


Dark Omens II

by The_Magic_Rat



Series: Dark Omens [2]
Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Infidelity, M/M, bug-fuckery, snek blep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23872222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Magic_Rat/pseuds/The_Magic_Rat
Summary: Gabriel is in a world of hurt.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Dark Omens [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720435
Comments: 31
Kudos: 70





	Dark Omens II

**Author's Note:**

> I need to start adding more creative tags.

_**Good Omens - Dark Omens Pt. II** _

_**Author: The Magic Rat  
Rating: PG  
Pairings: Crowley/Aziraphale, Gabriel/Beelzebub  
Warnings: Infidelity, snek bleps, cuteness, popcorn.  
Word Count: 2035** _

_**Website – Ex Libris: http://www.winter-wood.net/ex-libris/index.html  
Live Journal: http://delaese.livejournal.com/profile** _

_**Disclaimer: All Good Omens characters, places and situations are the property of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, and are used without permission and without intent of plagiarism or profit. Copyright for all stories and original characters is with the author, and may not be published, copied, distributed or archived without the author's prior written consent.** _

_**Summary: Gabriel is in a world of hurt.** _

_**Author’s notes: Clearly I need to start adding more creative tags.** _

_**~*~*~*~*~*~** _

Aziraphale was on his side, pressed against Crowley's back, one arm around his slender body. He had his face against Crowley's neck, and likely would have been asleep if not for the worrying sound of fluid in Crowley's lungs. He truly was not well, and did indeed feel feverish. Aziraphale gave him a gentle cuddle, and suppressed a giggle as Crowley made some sort of sleepy, indignant sound. 

"You're so sweet," said Aziraphale softly.

"'M not," Crowley mumbled sleepily. "'M a fierce an' mighty..." He yawned. "Demon," he finished.

"You're sweet to me."

"Hmph."

The pair were comfortably snuggled together when suddenly something arrived in the room, crashing loudly into a bookshelf. Aziraphale sat up abruptly, eyes large. For some reason he covered Crowley with the blanket, feeling protective of his sickly lover. He stared into the darkness, and gasped as he spied a form staggering toward him.

"Gabriel? What are you doing here?"

Gabriel did not look well. He was weak and grey, and his skin had an oily sheen to it. His eyes were red-rimmed, and he was trembling visibly. Aziraphale detected a faint odor of wounds turning septic.

"When you had that nightmare about me, what was I dying of?" Gabriel asked. 

Aziraphale was horrified at the archangel's condition. "You were.... rotting," he said quietly, eyes large with concern. 

"Do you know what was causing the rotting?" asked Gabriel.

"No, I don't."

"Aziraphale, you need to tell me."

"I would if I could but it was a dream, and not even a long one."

"Aziraphale, I need to know."

"It was a dream! I don't know!"

"Answer me!" he screamed.

Crowley suddenly emerged from under the covers in serpent form, monstrously large and ready to defend his angel. His face was swollen with great bulging venom sacs, and his open jaws revealed numerous rows of vicious fangs. He raised his tail and shook it, making a loud rattling sound, and he hissed savagely as his coils slithered on top of themselves. Infuriated by Crowley's appearance, Gabriel pointed to him as he addressed Aziraphale.

"Do you honestly sleep with that filthy thing?!"

Now it was Aziraphale's turn to be outraged, and he pulled Crowley close in a protective embrace. As Crowley continued to threaten Gabriel, Aziraphale spoke.

"Don't you _dare_ insult my Crowley, you... you... HYPOCRITICAL BUG-FUCKER!"

Crowley forgot about hissing at Gabriel and snapped his head around in order to stare at Aziraphale. His golden eyes were enormous, and the end of his forked tongue poked out in astonishment. He and Aziraphale briefly made eye contact, and Aziraphale nodded.

"Yes the Archangel Pure and Holy over there is carrying on an affair with Beelzebub, then having the gall to chastise us."

Gabriel was losing the ability to stand, weaving visibly. Aziraphale made a Roman-style couch appear for Gabriel to collapse onto. He was looking worse by the second. 

"My relationship with Beelzebub is purely professional."

He had no sooner uttered the words than the Prince of Hell appeared, hurrying over to the couch and sitting beside Gabriel, taking his hand. Beelzebub was clearly under the impression that what they had was more than "professional".

"If you die on me you pompous bastard I'll haunt you!"

"I'm not sure it works that way," said Crowley.

"IT'LL WORK HOW I BLOODY SAY IT WILL WORK! I'M FUCKING BEELZEBUB!"

"No I think he's the one fucking..." Crowley stopped talking as Beelzebub fixed him with a very cold hard stare, growling dangerously.

"Right," said Crowley, "Shutting up."

Aziraphale and Crowley exchanged glances. Aziraphale kissed his snaky nose, then used the tip of his finger to poke Crowley's tongue back into his mouth. Gabriel meanwhile had given up all pretenses.

"It's fine, Honey-bug, I'll be okay." 

"Honey-bug?" Aziraphale mouthed, eyes large. Crowley's tongue popped back out in surprise again.

"You better be or I'll rip your arm off and beat you with it!"

"Look if you want me to help," said Aziraphale, "and clearly you think I must have some answers or you would not be here, what is wrong with you?"

Gabriel was about to answer when Michael tore into the room and dropped down beside the couch, taking Gabriel's right hand. 

"Tell me you're going to be all right, please! I can't bear the idea of you..." 

Michael noticed Beelzebub was holding Gabriel's left hand. The archangel and Lord of Flies stared at each other. Crowley made a bowl of caramel popcorn appear. He and Aziraphale munched in silence as the drama slowly unfolded. Michael was about to speak when Sandalphon charged into the room to collapse weeping at Gabriel's side.

"You have to get well, you just... have...to."

Beelzebub, Sandalphon, and Michael stared at each other. There was a profound silence that was terrifying. Gabriel looked as if he would very much like to sink into the couch and disappear forever. Aziraphale tried to make peace as Crowley munched popcorn.

"Now let's not jump to any conclusions here," he said, as the trio slowly turned to look at him. "This may all be a misunderstanding. So! Who here believes themselves to be in an exclusive romantic relationship with Gabriel?"

Three hands went up. The rivals all exchanged glances, then Beelzebub straightened their jacket as Michael spoke.

"Looks like it's thee and me and Sandy makes three." Michael did _not_ sound amused.

"I've got an idea," said Beelzebub. "Let's get him healthy again, then the three of us beat the shit out of him, and whoever wants what's left can have it."

"I vote for that idea," said Sandalphon.

"So do I," said Michael.

"Well then," said a quiet voice. Millicent walked into the room, holding a tureen. "I guess I don't have anything to fear anymore. All I did was make soup."

Beelzebub perked up. "Oooo what kind?"

"Bouillabaisse, Crowley's favourite. Would you like some too, your Majesty?"

"Yeah is it nice and hot?"

"Oh very hot, I just finished making it."

"Good, give me a cupful, I'm gonna pour it on this bastard's crotch."

"Let's not," said Aziraphale. "Look I realize that you are all very upset with Gabriel as of this moment, but we need to get him healthy so you can hurt him. Now since you came to me, you must assume I can help. Tell me what's going on."

"Hell was invaded," said Beelzebub. "We don't know by who. I managed to hold them back by erecting a wall of demonic thorny brambles, and they stopped their advance, but I don't know for how long. Their generals appear to be a man and a woman. Those that were slain were taken by the man, and he gave them to the woman to raise once more, so their army grew as ours shrank. And they had archers - the best I've ever seen. They put so many arrows in Gabe over there that we should have changed his name to Boromir. I thought he would be fine at first, then the wounds began to fester quickly. He said you had a nightmare about him rotting and dying, so we were hoping you had some insight."

"What did these archers look like?" asked Aziraphale.

"Body of a horse," said Beelzebub. "But where the neck and head of the horse should have been were the torso, arms and head of a man."

"Centaurs," said Crowley. He had the attention of all present. "I saw them back in ancient Greece. Bloody good archers and fond of dipping their arrows in all sorts of rare poisons. If we're going to treat the Holy Rabbit over there then we will need to know what they were using."

"I have scrolls in the basement of my shop," said Aziraphale. "They date back that far. We can bring them up and go through them for information."

"Can we please hurry?" Gabriel pleaded.

There was a LOOOOONNNNNG silence. Then Michael sighed.

"Yes let's get on with it. Where are the scrolls?"

~*~*~*~*~*~

They did what they could for Gabriel, making as him comfortable as possible, then set about reading the scrolls. For roughly an hour, there was silence, then Beelzebub began to snicker.

"So, Crawley..."

"Crowley."

"Yeah whatever. You said you were in ancient Greece, right?"

"Yeah I was. Why?"

Beelzebub read from the scroll. "One myth regarding the creation of the centaurs was when a man named Centaurus was tempted into mating with the mares of Magnesia."

Crowley put down his scroll, offended. "Oh come on, you can't blame that on me, I do have _some_ standards."

"Too bad, would have been hilarious. How would you have gone about it?"

"Well since I didn't do it, I'm not really sure, but I suspect alcohol would be involved as well as some pre-existing predilection towards bestiality."

"Lively bunch, those ancient Greeks," mused Michael.

Sandalphon sighed. "Has anyone found any mention of what poisons the centaurs used?"

"I found out a centaur holding a bow and arrow is a Sagittarius," said Michael. "No, wait, here's something. A centaur named Nessus was slain with an arrow tainted with the poison of the hydra. As a result, his own blood became tainted. It seems to have created an extremely powerful contact poison, one which steamed, fumed, and burst into flames."

"The arrows steamed when they hit," said Beelzebub. "Does that mention how to cure the poison?"

"No," said Michael. "Sounds like it inflicted a slow and very painful death."

They looked to Gabriel. As angry as his three lovers currently were with him, it was very clear that he was suffering. Beelzebub leaned forward, almost nose to nose with the archangel.

"I'm going to find a cure, you're going to get better, then we are going to live happily fucking after, and you're going to be a good little archangel and stop sticking your dick in anything that will stand still for five minutes, aren't you?" Beelzebub pointed to Michael. "Because I can forgive that..." Next the prince pointed to Sandalphon. "But not that. I mean what were you thinking?"

"Now see here," began Sandalphon. "Don't you think it's up to Gabriel to choose with whom he wishes to be in a relationship?"

"Obviously not because nothing in its right mind would fuck you."

"We need more popcorn," said Crowley to Aziraphale, who was busy using miracles to move his books out of the way of the impending fight. Michael stood up.

"Instead of standing here screaming at one another about who is or is not worthy of sexual intercourse with Gabriel, which is ridiculous because he does not seem to possess any standards whatsoever, let us instead go down into Hell, catch a centaur and learn the secret of this poison. There must be a cure. Aziraphale, watch Gabriel. And if you can possibly help it, don't have sex with him."

"I'll try to control myself," said Aziraphale dryly. 

"There's no need for all that," said Crowley. "Look, we all know there were gods before us, and there will be gods after us. All we have to do is track down an old Greek hero by the name of Asclepius. He'll know what to do, he can cure anything." 

"And how exactly would you know?" asked Sandalphon archly.

Crowley opened the scroll he had been looking at and showed an ancient artwork of a young, handsome bearded man wearing a toga. He was holding a staff, around which was wound a great serpent.

"And who do you suppose that is?" asked Crowley, pointing at the snake.


End file.
